The B.O.C. and How it Came About

     Everyone has his or her story to tell, and I have mine too. Last week was a doozy woozy wowzer, and it all started when I was having my wake up Pepsi Cola and reading the morning newspaper. At first I just couldn't believe it and thought I was dreaming. I pinched myself and nothing changed except for the fact my arm hurt, so I knew I must be awake. I mean, I heard about things like this in the movies and read about it in the comic books, but to actually have it happen in my own town made my teeth chatter and my knees knock together. The outer space beings had stamped a bunch of crop circles out in a wheat field by Larry's Produce where I buy strawberries for my sponge cake and cool whip special. Yep! All the evidence pointed to Alien invasions.
     My heart started beating and I grabbed the telephone and called up my next-door neighbor, Suzzy. Suzzy doesn't take the newspaper because her husband Rocky doesn't want to support the Republicans, and I knew she probably hadn't heard what happened. After I heard Suzzy say "hello" in a real sleepy voice like I just woke her, I took me a big swig of my Pepsi to stay the wooziness in my head and spoke into the phone, "Girl! Get over here. Don't even bother to put on your house slippers. Just come now. Coffee's on."
     Before I knew it, my best friend Suzzy was at my door in her pink shaneal bathrobe and bare feet. I threw my arms around her shoulders and hugged her, then announced, "The end is near."
     "The end of what," she asked.
     "The end of the world. We been invaded by aliens and they are drawing pictures in the wheat field here in town," I answered.
     Suzzy looked at me like I was crazy, then announced, "Cyndii Marie. That's them Republicans pulling tricks on us to scare us. Come on Girl. Get real. There ain't no space ship men out to get us."
     I thought about what she said, and then conceded it could be a possibility but not a sound probability.
     "Suppose these crop circles were created by aliens Suzzy? Then what?" I asked.
     Suzzy thought a moment then concluded, "Well, we'd have to protect ourselves somehow, I guess." 
At this point my emotions got high. "This calls for chocolate," I said. "I always think better if I have some Hershey's Kisses." At that point I got out a big five-pound bag of chocolate kisses my husband Ralph had won as highest striker on his bowling team. I got Suzzy a cup of coffee and we began to peel the aluminum foil wrappers off the chocolates and stuff our mouths with the candy, both of us silently munching deep in thought.
     Finally Suzzy broke the intense silence and said, "You know, why would any woman want sex if she could have chocolate. That's the million dollar question."
     I nodded in agreement, took a big swig of Dr. Pepper, and grabbed another handful of Hershey's Kisses.
Then all at once it hit me. Grabbing an umbrella from the hallway coat rack, I got a glue stick from the kitchen drawer and gathered up the wrappers from the Hershey's Kisses that had collected on the kitchen table from our think tank chocolate orgy. "Suzzy," I announced, "We are going to make an alien deflector from this umbrella. It will work. I've seen a lot of movies, and the aliens can't hurt you or at least mind control you or steal your body. We'll put these aluminum kiss wrappers on the umbrella and go to the scene of the crime and scope things out."
     And that is what we did. We ate ourselves into a state of constipation on the chocolate, but had a state of the art alien deflector before the afternoon came.
     That night, after Rocky and my husband Ralph got home, Suzzy and I trekked out to Larry's produce and saw the famed wheat field with its crop circles. When we got out of the car, we raised the foil-clad umbrella and walked into the center of the circle. Suzy said she felt tingly. I felt tired. We both concluded there was some strange energy in the area. Also there were some strange people too. 
     Suzzy and I noticed a group gathered together chatting. One said, "This was done by kids. Anyone can do this with the proper farm equipment." Another argued they couldn't mop their kitchen floor in the dark, let alone do a perfect field carving in wheat, so an airborne force had to have created the circle. A bearded man stated he felt electromagnetic energy created the crop circle, while the woman beside him insisted the strange phenomena was caused by a sonic wave. It was at this point that my neighbor Suzzy spoke up and stated, "The Republicans did this."
     It was at this point silence fell over the group and heads turned toward Suzzy, who now commanded the field.
Out of the crowd stepped a man with a microphone. "May I have your name, mam," he said ever so politely. "Suzzy", she proudly stated. "Suzzy with two Z's. Last name is Spazinski. This is my friend Cyndii. Spelled with a Y and two I's."
     "And what is this gadget in your hand Madam," asked the reporter.
     "It's an alien deflector like in the movie Signs, only we have the aluminum foil on the umbrella over our heads instead of messing up our hair with those funny hats," Suzzy smiled. "Maybe it doesn't work but it can't hurt nothing."
     "Well, now isn't that interesting," grinned the reporter.
Suzzy and I left the group and scoped out the grounds and formations in the wheat some more. The oncoming moonlight that seemed to be shinning into the field straight down on us reflected off the shiny-foiled umbrella. Weary from the day, we both gathered up handfuls of wheat from the scene and trekked home with our souveniers.
     But it was several mornings later I was really taken off guard. I was doing my grocery shopping at Safeway and, while standing in line, I picked up the National Inquirer. To my horror, there was a photo of our local Crop Circle as well as my friend Suzzy and myself on the front page under the subtitle, "Bimbos of the Crop...Republicans Blamed". 
     Suzzy's husband Rocky says the reporter is probably a Republican and couldn't stand hearing the truth, so defamed his wife's character for speaking her mind. My husband Ralph laughed and said it was the first true thing he ever heard the National Inquirer print and maybe there is hope for the world after all. I made him sleep on the couch three nights in a row after that statement, and fed the dog his supper. Suzzy and I consoled ourselves with a chocolate silk pie, and are better friends than ever, because we share a common enemy in the National Inquirer as well as the male species, at least for the moment. Last night we sat out on the porch with a cold drink and girl talked while watching the skies for strange lights from flying saucers, and laughed, saying we were the B.O.C. Anyway, that's how it came about...the B.O.C...Bimbos of the Crop...Suzzy and I decided laughter is the best medicine because as the saying goes, "life is short"...especially if the end is near....and that's my story. Keep looking up!

                                                                           by Jennifer Grant

                                                                                   . 
                                                              Crop Circle by Larry's Produce at Fairfield, Ca.