Elves Are Human

The True Story of Santa Christmas And Elfsploitation

by

Jingles McFingerwillie

 

 Translated By John Sullivan

Elves Are Human!

Elvin Spokesman Jingles McFingerwillie describes the arduous nature of Elvin life under the rule of the sworn enemy of the Elf, Santa Claus. The Nelves (not elves) that inhabit the North Pole treat the elves like they are beasts of burden, working them to the point of utter exhaustion to bring joy to all the children of the world.

The history of the enslavement of the elves goes back hundreds of years. These small gentle people have inhabited the North Pole from the beginning of time. As Christianity emerged and grew throughout Europe, local pagan winter festival practices were formed into an amalgam holiday that supposedly represented the birth of Christ called Christmas. In the eyes of the Christian authorities, replacing Pagan holidays with Christian meaning was a good thing.  In the end it represented tyranny and ultimate death for an entire people, the elves.

To understand the plight of the elves one must first understand the character of the Santanists and their leader jolly old Saint Nick.

 

Jingles McFingerwillie:

“Santa Claus is a maniacal taskmaster with one ultimate mission and that is to spread joy to all of the nelf (non elf) children around the world by manufacturing and delivering toy of every description by Christmas morning. He is so dedicated to this vision that he has sworn to work every last elf to death if necessary.”

“Elves are not human!” Santa is often heard saying “They are little freaks that were born to do nothing but my bidding!” He goes on to say, referring to the congenital shape of the elf ear and the bendi-upward of the elf foot, “Those little pointy eared, curly footed bastards will make toys for all of the children of the world or I will wash the streets of Santa City with elvin blood.” “Ho! Ho! Motherfreakin Ho!”. So the elves toil on in bondage to their “jolly” overlord.

Elves Have It Rough

At Santa’s village at the North Pole, The elves are housed in special units where the conditions are abysmal. They are never allowed to have contact with the Nelves, the non-elf personnel who are considered to be human by Santa. Security patrols ensure that the elves maintain their conduct in accordance with Santa’s wishes. All elves must appear merry and joyous and are required to report to “The Workshop” for twelve hours a day seven days a week to build toys for all of the children of the world (except elf children, who, once are old enough to stand, have to work). All around the workshop Nelf overseers watch for any problem that may arise. An elf that makes a mistake in toy production is subject to strict punishment starting with humiliation and ending with physical beatings and torture. Suicide attempts in the workshop are very common. An elf will put a pop-gun to his head wishing that it was real so that the misery could end. When the Big Guy (Santa) visits the workshop it’s even worse. “You call this a dollie!” “This is s**t!!” “You sawed off little freaks will make GOOD toys for all the normal children of the world if I have to kill one of you an hour to get ‘er DONE!” “Now get it in gear!!” After slamming the door leading out of the workshop the sound of popguns going off can be heard throughout as the pressure mounts.

Contrary to popular myth, reindeer are vicious nasty creatures. They have a bite like a rabid pit bull and are a carrier of a bacterium called E-yuletide-tinsellosis. An infected elf will feel discomfort in his nether regions before noticing that green and red blotches have transformed his genitals into a perverse ornament of the very holiday that he hates. The elves charged with caring for Santa’s deer are subjected to a special kind of hell. They are forced to live with the herd 24/7. Many an elf has lost an appendage to the business end of Dancer or Prancer or Comet or Blitzen. The elves in the reindeer contingent are blamed for any mishaps so they try to hide any injuries from Santa and the Nelves to avoid punishment. If for any reason the reindeer are not prepared to fly on Christmas eve, there are dead elves left behind as a testament to the seriousness of the mission. The nelves have a saying “If the big guy don’t fly some elf is going to die.” This is intended to be motivational to the elves but often has the opposite effect.

All in all the management style employed by Santa and the Nelf Overseers is amotivational and even somewhat dangerous. It definitely doesn’t contribute to productivity and is not reflective of the stated spirit of the Christmas holiday. But as the Santanists say, “who can argue with success. If it works, don’t fix it.”

Some See It Differently

Dr Hans Vanderhooven, The Nelf director of elf medicine and experimentation at the North Pole puts it this way; “Elves are defiantly not human. This is not to say that they are bad. I like elves actually. I especially like how their common bile duct has a pronounced bend inferior to the pancreatic duct. This feature is not found in humans only in elves. Also the characteristic distortion of the metatarsals in the elf foot is never found in humans. This makes them well suited to standing for long hours at the benches in the workshop but also makes them easy to catch if they try to run away so it’s a win-win if you know what I mean. Elves actually like the life that Santa gives them. Oh sure they complain a little but as we say, “a bitching elf is a happy elf!” So we laugh. And what about the joy to all the children of the world? Don’t they have the right to be happy? I think that the “Elf Liberation Front”, or whatever they call themselves this year, I like to call them the Evil Little Fartheads, they used to be the “Festive Panthers”, should shut the hell up and quit causing trouble.” Bottom-line Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ if a few elves have to get hurt or die to do that, isn’t it worth it? Jesus is more important than elves. That is a no-brainer if you know what I mean.

How about a Kid’s Perspective

Billy Meaglson a 9 year old from Flidsburg Ohio weighs in with his opinion: I think elves suck! (Billy, come eat your dinner!) I’M TALKING TO A GUY ABOUT ELVES MOM! Anyway, I could care less about elves being free and what-not as long as I get a Play station 3 for Christmas and Drug Lord 4 The Retribution. Elves look funny to me. I say kill ‘em all. Santa’s cool although I saw him at the mall and he smelled like my uncle Roscoe did before he died of alcoholism. (Billy!) ALRIGHT MOM, QUIT FREAKING OUT! I gotta go.

Elf Leaders have it hard too

In a rare interview with Elvin Life Magazine, King Omar The Superlative, the 122^nd ancestral leader of the elves, talks about his life in exile in his villa on a private island in the Caribbean.

EL:  Thank you for granting us this time Your Majesty.

KO: No problem. It’s great to see you guys

EL: So exile must be pretty rough?

KO: You cannot imagine.  To not be with my people at “The Pole” makes my heart heavy.  Each day that I languish here separated from them makes me cry out to God, Why oh Lord, why?  By the way can Winston get you anything to eat or drink?

EL: No. Thank you we’re fine.

KO:  Winston!  I need a refill here!  Anyway, as I was saying, I would give anything to be at the North Pole with “The Kids” as I like to call them, but instead I have to be here.  It’s like a part of my body has been cut off.  And if I was there I would give Santa Clause such a bruise for what he has done to my guys. It’s just so wrong. Winston!

EL: You have never been to the North Pole have you? a in 1823.

KO:  Actually no.  My great-grandfather, King Omar The Wholly Adequate, was exiled to Siberia in 1823. None of us has been allowed to return to our homeland since. It’s sad really.

EL:  So from Siberia to the Caribbean is a great leap. Do you have ny idea how cold it is that far north?

KO:  Of course I do.  It’s in my blood.  I go to Aspen every winter to our ski compound. It gets pretty freaking cold out there.

EL: You have been criticized for not having empathy for the plight of your people. It has been said that you live a lavish life, you’ve never had to work and that you married a nelf making the matrilineal leader of the elvin people a non-elf.  Some have called for you to abdicate.  How do you respond to this?

KO:  I firstly want to say that my life is harder than it might appear.  Sure, I’ve lived most of my life in several resort areas around the world. I do suffer from anxiety disorder resulting from survivor guilt. I wish that I could be tortured by the Santanists.  My plight is to be the king of the elfs. As far as queen Ingrid goes, sure she’s a nelf but she’s a good nelf. She also can relate to the struggle of the elf people because she grew up in a pretty rough childhood. Her Dad was rather abusive much like Santa and have you seen the gams on that broad. Amazing!

EL: What could you say to your people to allow them to see that you understand their plight and also to give them some hope for liberation.

KO: Hey guys and gals, this is your king speaking. I want you to know that I can relate to you in many ways. The other day I was out on my yacht “Santa’s Little Helper”.  It was a long day of fishing and whatnot.  The sun was beating down on me and I felt really tired and I thought about how hard it must be too work 12 hour days in the workshop making toys for all of the children in the world. I lay down and I took a nap on deck and I dreamed I was there with all of you and it was terrible. So hang in there. You would all be in my prayers if I believed in a higher power but I’m a godless Elf right? Keep your chin up! How was that?

EL: Pretty bad.

KO:  I think that’s the best I’ve got.

EL:  Thank you your highness.

KO:  You’re quite welcome and remember Merry Chr---maybe I shouldn’t say that.

EL:  Good thinking sir

Enemies of Santa take an active role in his demise.

The Elf Liberation Front or E.L.F. (for short) is a growing movement in the housing units of Santa’s Villiage, dedicated to the death of Santa and the eradication of the Christmas holiday and the liberation of all elvin people and the restoration of the North Pole as their homeland. There is also a plan to try and trade this homeland for maybe an island in the tropics or something like that.

The E.L.F. members work hard to sabotage Christmas by producing toys that are dangerous or that don’t work right. This is a big embarrassment to Santa

E.L.F. Members also route out elfs that are considered snitches or “Santa Friendly”. This can result in a “hit” in the form of an attack in the workshop. Some believe that this organization is more dangerous than the Santanists themselves.  The E.L.F.  and also hates King Omar for obvious reasons.  

A Final Word About Christmas From Jingles McFingerwillie

So you’ve read about the Elfs from many different perspectives. You’ve gotten a peek into the daily routine at the North Pole.. You’ve been introduced to the real Santa Claus and even heard from some prominent Santanists including a kid who actually receives services from Santa and the elves. Finally you heard from King Omar the “leader” of the elves. All in all if you didn’t walk away from this with a feeling of hopelessness for these little people then maybe you don’t have a heart or possess a shred of human decency. Hopefully you felt a pall of darkness float over your holiday experience leaving you with a sensation of emptiness and a longing to be free of your own enslavement by societal norms around Christmas. If that’s the case you’re probably asking yourself, “What do I do now?” Cheer up we have some fun suggestions to make your holidays meaningful by minimizing the bloodshed to the little people of the North Pole.

First it is important to recognize that the programming you have received about Christmas and especially its relationship to the birth of Christ is a load of hooey and is propagated by the Santanists as well as corporate interests in the United States and else ware. Biblical historians agree that the person of Jesus Christ was born sometime in the early fall. Having special reverence for the holiday is ridiculous and results in a great deal of heartache for elves and others. The giving spirit embodied in the holiday should be practiced every day.

In order to recover from the brainwashing that most people have received around Christmas there are several non-festive activities that are scientifically designed to undo the effects of Yuletide Addiction and to free the sufferer to regain his/her Decembers. They are as follows.

First: Go bowling with a lesbian on December 25^th. Even if you are a lesbian go bowling with another lesbian.  This activity is designed to open up a neural pathway that will lead to relief of the reverence given this day. Both bowling and lesbianism are two of the most non-festive things in human existence and they’re fun!

Second: Join a group that actually has non-festive activities on Christmas. Two ideas are; The Yakuza or Japanese organized crime syndicates or, The Taliban. Both of these groups do not celebrate the holidays and they both have flexible meeting schedules.

Thirdly: The most non-festive activity of all using contextual logic simulations with a reverse Boolean situation generating algorithm is of course, riding a hippopotamus through a carwash. This activity can be done in place of stringing popcorn or caroling. Keep in mind that the hippo is one of the most dangerous mammals on earth and that the chemicals used in carwashes can cause mild skin irritation. If one is careful this activity can be both satisfying and rewarding.

In closing, remember that Santa Claus is your enemy. If you see him be calm and friendly and when close enough, strike with lethal precision. The Elf Liberation Front or E.L.F. is prepared to deliver one million dollars in fruitcake to anyone who can take the old guy out. Have a happy year and a joyous everyday and thank you for your time

                                                                                        

Jingles McFingerwillie