ACM Guide for the KC-10

Listed below are some rules and techniques for crewmembers flying in ACM status on KC-10 airplanes. The information is applicable for crewmembers from other weapons systems, Aeromedical personel, and all deadheading KC-10 crewmembers.

PRE-DEPARTURE PROCEDURES

• Never trust Command post to alert you on time. Try to contact the Aircraft Commander in his crew rest period to get information. They won’t care if you wake them; they don’t know the crew rest rules anyway.
• If departing from Hickam, always pack some fresh raw meat in your helmet bag, and never clear AG on your own. Always order a flight lunch early, and don’t pay for it. Show at the aircraft as late as possible.
• Introduce yourself to the crew, offer to help, if needed, and then stand around in everyone’s way as much as possible. Try to get in the engineer’s way in the tiny cockpit. Ask him stupid questions and distract him/her as much as possible
• If you are a pilot, when you load your bags, just drop them in the first available red seat. This is what the KC-10 pilots do, because the sweaties always take them 150 feet further back to the crew bag pallet. Try to distract the flight crew as much as possible. Ask the pilots where they went to school, what USAFA class, etc. Ignore the enlisted crew. Never take a seat and stay out of the way. Always stand in an aisle or block the cockpit entrance. Always assume you can have the boom seat for the flight.
• If you are an engineer, always comment on how you don’t like the round instruments, make fun of the electric seats, etc. Tell the FE about how you could have gotten a KC-10 but wanted to stay where the real mission was.
• If you are a loadmaster, offer to help the Booms load. Make fun of the rinky-dink rollers and pallet locks. Laugh at the powered roller system. Joke about how easy the airplane is to load. Just be a dick.
• When the flight meals arrive, try to take one of the flight crew’s and put your name on it. Make sure you put it in the refrigerator, even if you have to remove the crew’s beer.

When the Pax arrive, ignore the Boom Operator’s instructions to take a seat. Try to interfere as much as possible; stuff your baggage under a seat so the pax won’t have any leg room.

INFLIGHT PROCEDURES

• Go ahead and climb in a bunk if you want to. Stand around by the galley and get in everyone’s way. Feel free to wander around the airplane. Ask the Boomer if you can see the ARO. Ask where we are. Screw up your customs form. Complain about the lack of privacy and space. Whine about everything.
• If you would like to see the cockpit, just go ahead and walk on up. If the door is locked, just pull real hard to see if you can break it. Ignore the engineer if he or she sticks a loaded 9 MM in your face. If theres aready 5 people in the cockpit, just squeeze on in. Ask some stupid questions. If you are a pilot, ask how come they aren’t plotting their waypoints on a map like the T-Tail dudes do. Ignore the enlisted men. Lean on the engineer’s seat and rock the back of it. They hate that. If you really want to be effective, squeeze up between the pilots and stick your butt up against the FE. Be careful about this if the FE is armed.
• Whenever you get something out of the refrigerator, slam the door really hard to ensure proper latching. This will also wake up anyone in the cabin. Play with the cabin light switches until they are just right for you. Play with the coffee maker.
• Scatter your personal gear all over the cabin. Feel free to use any available seat to store your helmet bag, etc. If a crewmember moves your belongings on to the floor, act indignant and just move them back. Drape your flight jacket over the back of a seat to prevent a passenger from using the tray table. Feel free to stuff any trash in to the seat back in front of you.
• If you are playing cards on the floor, feel free to use a bunk as a seat back. Talk real loud and laugh to ensure no resting crewmembers get any sleep. If scolded by a crewmember, act unconcerned.

ANSWERS TO SOME COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS

BY ACMs (with answers)

Q: How fast are we going?

A: Faster than that piece of shit you fly will ever go.

Q: Can I sit in the cockpit for takeoff?

A: No.

Q: How many pilots do you have on board?

A: Seven.

Q: How many engineers do you have?

A: One.

Q: How many Boom Operators do you have on board?

A: Seven.

Q: What does the Boom Operator do when theres no cargo?

A: Nothing.

Q: Can I sit in the cockpit for landing?

A: No.

Q: Who sits in this seat?

A: Not you.

Q: Are we there yet?

A: (This question will be usually be answered with cold stares.)

Q: How’s the weather at __________?(destination)

A: Good/Crappy/Cold/Hot

Q: Hey, guys can you call and get us a separate crew bus at________?(destination)

A: No.

Q: This jet is nice! How do I get on it?

A: You can’t.

Q: How much cargo can this thing carry?

A: More than two Tubes.

Q: Can I come back and see the refueling?

A: No.

Q: Have you guys ever deadheaded on ______________?(whatever thing you fly on)

A: We’d rather take AMTRAK

Q: Hows come you guys don’t have a navigator? (It’s unbelievable how common this question

is; quess who asks?)

A: We have three of them, they don’t give us any shit, and they don’t ask stupid questions.

Please use this information the next time you ACM on the KC-10, and thank you for flying as an ACM.

| Flight Engineer E-Mail | Rex |