THE ADVENTURES OF REX THE WONDER ENGINEER:

And the Torch of Liberty

Dawn in England; a calm summer day at RAF Mildenhall where the weird British locals are parked by the base perimeter fence to watch a grey KC-10 taxiing slowly out to the hammerhead…they watch with their binoculars, their logbooks, and their cameras. If they could only know what kind of fucked up shit is going on in the cockpit……..

"Any questions?" Rex, the wonder engineer hears through the fog of hangover sleepiness, as the numb-nuts copilot is finishing his 15 minute long crew briefing. "Questions?", spews Rex, "Goddamnit man, I think you just recited the whole fucking dash-one!, aint that right, Joe?" Rex turns around and smacks Joe, who is slumped in the first observer’s seat, with his greasy checklist. "Ow!, Goddamn, you asshole fuck!", yells Joe, drooling and slobbering over his cud of Skoal, "What the fuck are we doing here? Why did you wake me up? Jesus, a fucking boom operator can’t get a minutes rest anymore. Fuck.

It goes on like this in the cockpit for a few more minutes until the AC, a fairly new guy by the name of Capt Crumb, (Rex and Joe have named him Capt Crunch) takes control, and tells the whole crew to shut the fuck up. Capt Crunch is actually a pretty good dude, thinks Rex. The poor fuck has been buying him and Joe tons of beer every night, no doubt hoping they won’t tell anyone in the squadron what a shitty pilot he is, even though he’s got time in two different T-tails; he should have learned to fly by now, but still sucks. Capt Crunch understandably thinks that the KC-10s two autopilots are the greatest thing ever invented. Of course, so does Rex.

The Copilot, now here’s a whacko bastard. This little turd was rejected from a fighter job, no doubt because he’s even a bigger asshole than even the fighter dudes can tolerate. Who knows what his whole story is. Name is 1Lt Singleton, (Rex and Joe call him Lt Simpleton), but the Lt still wears his fighter puke name patch, which simply says "Buzz",

which is the stupid nickname he picked out for himself, because his fellow fighter pilots dudes hated his guts so bad that they wouldn’t even give him a nickname. Rex and Joe call him "Scuzz".

Of course, completing this most fucked up of crews is Rex, the wonder engineer, newly promoted to Master Sergeant, and Joe, SAC’s finest boom operator, drunken wretch that he is, promoted to Master Sergeant in 1977. Of course, you know their stories. This is the third sortie since they’ve been here at Mildenhall, on the TTF. Just like old SAC, thinks Joe.

Now that the whole crew is awake, Scuzz Simpleton calls the tower and asks for takeoff clearance, in his best fighter pilot voice. Rex, then lays his fatherly hand on Capt Crunch’s shoulder and asks politely, "Hey, skywarrior, do you wants me to fire up that tail motor first?" "Aww SHIT, Rex, Goddammnit, what the fuck? You could have said something a little sooner." "I did, lizard-lips, about four fucking times, but you kept saying stand by, stand by, so I didn’t want to bother you anymore, so here we are" Rex’s eyes are laughing, but his face is a scowl. "You want I should fire up that motor now, Boss?"

"Do it now, before they cancel our Goddamn clearance, Rex, Jesus Christ..hurry up" Capt Crunch is practically spitting on himself, and the copilot is watching with interest, secretly dreaming of the day when he will get a chance to discipline these insolent enlisted bastards.

"Starting number two", says Rex, the wonder engineer, as Joe sleeps happily, as the big three-holer sits at the the end of the runway, as a RAF Herky goes missed approach because the runway’s not clear……..after 45 seconds with the fuel lever on, Rex figures out that #2 has some sort of ignition problem. "Hey pilot-creature, number two ain’t lightin’ off, I think we got a spark problem" Capt Crunch, who doesn’t have a fucking clue what Rex is talking about, because he and the copilot are arguing about some route change, directs Rex to handle it in the appropriate manner using the appropriate checklist.

By this time, the engine is turning at 24 percent N2, with the fuel pouring into it still after almost 90 seconds. Rex, reaches up and quickly snaps the ignition switch from Start "B", to Start "A", and this immediately produces results.

BANG! Flame shoots out of the engines tailpipe like a Jaguar in re-heat. Captured on film by several geeky English dudes, this most impressive display is also witnessed by everyone in the tower. "Chickn 45, tower, you have a fire in your number two engine, acknowledge, over" The tower dude grabs his camera and snaps off a picture of the torch of liberty.

Joe, having heard the words "Fire in number 2", since he inadvertently had the primary radio toggled up, wakes up with a start, bolts from the cockpit, and blows the 1R door, with Rex screaming, "You fucking idiot, it’s just a fucking tailpipe fire…Jesus Christ".

Buzz, the copilot, then reaches up and pulls out the #2 starter button, and starts to open his clearview window; having burned up two F-15s, he is an old pro at this, while Capt Crunch starts moaning about his career being wrecked, and how he is going to kill Joe when he catches him, indeed old Joe will be hard to find, since he is now 100 feet from the airplane and still running (in the general direction of the Galaxy Club).

As the numb-nuts copilot grabs the escape rope and leaps from the window, Rex looks sadly over at Capt Crunch, shakes his head and calmly reaches up and pulls all three fire handles, shuts down the APU, the INS units and snaps off the battery switch. The torch in the engine finally burns out, leaving a little scorched paint on the tail. Then Rex finally speaks:

"Captain, we are fucked. I’m fucked, Joe is fucked, the copilot will soon be dead, and you are fucked beyond all hope of recovery. Snap on the Emergency power, call us a crew bus, wave to the idiots over there by the road, and let’s go drink some beer, before you have to go to prison. And when we get some wheels, we can collect Joe, and run over that dipshit copilot of yours."

This makes sense to the AC, who gratefully accepts a blast from Rex’s flask of Jack Daniels Tennesee whiskey.

NEXT: Rex goes to the altitude chamber.