THE ADVENTURES OF REX THE WONDER ENGINEER:

Rex and the General

(A Car Story)

It's a crisp Autumn day in northern California, sunny, with hint of salt in the air from the bay. Out in the hills above Rockville, in the huge garage of a big, Spanish-style ranch house, Rex the Wonder Engineer and Joe the hydrocephalic Boom Operator stand around looking under the hood of a 1969 Mustang Mach I, a fire-engine red behemoth, with the 428 Cobra-Jet shaker-scoop package. The cars belong to the wing commander, Brig.General Augustus Crank. The house belongs to the General, too, purchased 23 years before when the General was a numb-nuts copilot in the A-model Tube of Pain. The Car used to belong to Rex, who gave it to the General after the General got Rex out of a Philipine jail. This all happened about 17 years before, but to Rex, who still carries some emotional and physical scars from the experience, remembers it like it was yesterday.
Rex continues his study of the engine compartment and addresses the General in reverent tones. "All right, General, what the fuck is wrong with this goddamn thing now? Jesus Christ. do you ever check the oil in this fucking thing? And what's this about the clutch? You been street racing again? Fuck." "Shit no, Rex, the old lady has been using the clutch as a hill brake again and fried the shit out of it. I need you boys to put in a new clutch. I think that's whats wrong with it. It's been slipping a bit" says the wing king.
An hour later, there's a terrific WHAM! from underneath the car as the old top-loader tranny hits the driveway pavement, the drive shaft still splined into the output shaft.
Joe jumps like a nervous horse and looks under the car. "Hey Rex! What the fuck was that? Goddamn! You just dropped the tranny? Holy shit, boy, the Gen's got a tranny jack right there in the garage! You dipshit, Ha Ha!". Rex slides back out from under the car and looks sadly up at Joe. "Joe, you stupid fuck. I've told you this a hundred fucking times. Only boom operators and pussies use a jack for tranny changes. Takes too much time, of course if you're working on a Jap car, you might break something, but that's your tough shit for buying an aluminum piece of shit in the first place. You are a fucking shit-stain".
Joe, who's wearing too-tight black jeans, with an old, faded KC-135 squadron T-shirt tucked in underneath a huge gold-buckled belt, drains his can of Old Milwaukee, crushes it, and hurls it toward the trash can, where it lands on-target, after bouncing off the hood of the General's Lexus SC400. Joe looks over toward the front lawn, spies the General's wife and kicks Rex, who is just crawling out from under the car. "Hey Rex, there's Marlene'. Ax her if she can get us some more swill". Joe is leering toward Mrs. Crank, who is practicing her putting on the immaculate front lawn. Rex takes a look, and agrees with Joe, calling out to her.
Marlene' Crank, 44 years old, is a handsome woman. Rex and Joe both go numb when she is around, of course, Joe is already numb all the time. "Hey, Marlene', hows about gittin' me and Joe some more swill while we're working on the piece of shit fried clutch that you cooked. Woman! Are you listening?" The General's wife walks slowly, swingingly, over to where Rex and Joe are panting. "Ok, boys, you got it. I really appreciate you coming over and fixing the car. Augie was worried it would cost a fortune to fix". Her voice is like satin. Rex is distracted and goofy. He starts to babble a bit: "Well what the fuck did you expect, marrying a cheap-ass officer? Jesus Christ, Babe, I gave him the fucking car for free, you'd think he could spend a few bucks on it every seventeen goddamn years. Fuck! Aren't you getting tired of driving this old thing?
Do you ever get to drive the Lexus?" Marlene' looks over at the Lexus, turns back to Rex."I don't want to drive a Jap car, Rex. I came from a very good family, you know, and besides," She pats the old Ford affectionately, "This car friggin' rips!" Rex eyes are beginning to glaze over and he is getting dizzy. "Well, thank you very much, Miss Bill Elliot, just get yer ass in there and tell the King to wheel out the Keg machine he's got on the back patio and bring us two clean pitchers so's I can get to work and Joe can get back to watching. Hustle up, sweet-cheeks!" Marlene' glides away on her mission. Joe rips off a thunderous fart and Rex gets back to work.
An hour later, the General is standing out beside the Mustang shooting the shit with Rex and ignoring Joe. Rex starts giving him shit from underneath the car while he closes up the job. "You know, General, I can't believe you bought this piece-of-shit clutch. A fucking rebuilt pile of junk! You cheap bastard. The old lady will have this thing fried in two months. I could have got you a good one for about 50 bucks more. Jesus!"
The General is about to reply when, as he is taking a belt of his Scotch, his cell phone rings. A crisis at the base, Rex thinks, probably some cheese-brain IP trying to get a waiver to do transition at KSFO or some bullshit. Rex looks over from underneath the car and realizes Joe is pissing on the back tire of the Mach I. He starts to yell, then remembers he has to piss himself, and besides, Marlene' won't let Joe in the house, anyway, so it ain't his fault. Right then Rex hears the sound of a V-12 engine and smells trouble. He crawls back under the car.
It's trouble, all right. It's a White Jaguar E-Type, containing the General's daughter, and her dick-boy husband, Captain "Buzz" Lowe, the General's butt-boy. He fucking hates Rex and Joe, and every enlisted man in the world hates Buzz. Of course, Rex calls him "Scuzz". But the General's daughter, Gigi, now here's a creature send directly from heaven. Rex hears her voice: "Rex, you old rascal, is that you under there? Come say hello to me, my handsome engineer!" Rex flails around underneath the car for a minute, bangs his head on a U-Joint, and slides the creeper out from underneath the 'Stang to position himself directly in between Gigi's fabulous legs. "Hey, baby, squat on down here and run your fingers through my greasy hair" This she does, in full view of Dick-boy, who is getting noticeably agitated. Buzz doesn't have time to get really pissed, because he came over here to suck a little WingKing butt, and times-a-wasting. Buzz soon Buzzes off and Gigi keeps Rex company while he tightens the last few bolts on the bell housing. After a few more minutes, he's done and is ready for a test drive. "Come on, sugar-buns, hop your little officer-wife ass into the love-machine , and lets get some rubber."
A few minutes later the hills echo with the shriek of tortured tires as Rex lights 'em up and bangs through the gears. Dick-boy and the General are waiting in the front yard when Rex drives up, Gigi's feet sticking out the window, her long hair tangled and lovely.
Rex hocks a lunger on the Buzz's Jag as he pulls in. He makes a big show of opening the door for Gigi and helping her out of the car. As Gigi flutters off, Rex approaches the General and dickboy, throws a casual salute, (which the ignorant Buzz tries to return). "Mission accomplished". Now I gotta go. Where's Joe? Thanks for the swill, and thanks for letting me bust my ass on yer wife's car, you cheap fuck. JOE! Where the fuck are you?" General Crank points to Joe's pickup. "Your boomer has gone to take a little nap in the back of the truck. Thanks for the job, Rex. Have a good weekend." Rex ignores Buzz, shakes the Generals hand, kicks Joe in the ass, gets him in the truck, and blasts off for Crusty's Place for a well-deserved whiskey. Joe looks at him strangely.
"Hey Rex, when you was a-gittin' that honey outta the car, did I see yer hand on her ass?"
"Joe, you are a sick perverted asshole, you know that? I knew that gal when she was in diapers. And she's a married woman now, even if she is married to a dick-boy. No I did not have my hand on her ass. I had my hand on her upper thigh, and she had her hand on my ass." Jan 1998

NEXT: REX FLIES WITH DICK-BOY