THE ADVENTURES OF REX THE WONDER ENGINEER:

REX AND THE ACM'S

Rex, the wonder engineer, and Joe, formerly SACs finest Boom Operator, are standing outside of the snack bar/giftshop area at the Hickam AFB passenger terminal. They're waiting for a crew bus to take them to their aircraft. They'd decided to eat again, what the hell, and each had a another breakfast cooked by the retarded dude that's been working at the snack bar for 15 years. Rex flicks some ashes from his cigar onto Joe's boot and Joe simultaneously ejects some tobacco spittle onto Rex's none-too-clean flight suit. Just then, a blue USAF bus pulls up at the curb.

Rex eyes the bus suspiciously, steps in and his eyes sweep over the human refuse contained therein:
Six confused, disheveled ACMs stare back at Rex, while Joe looks on from outside. These must be the shit-stains that are going with us, Rex thinks......"Hey Joe!, here's your ACMs, dirt-bags all, needin' a free ride...abandoned, no doubt, by their own crews, for being dorks!" Joe has already entered the ancient, rusty bus and selected a seat next to a large, bald, lummox....who is wearing a 15th AF patch.....Joes sees that the man is a CMSgt, and addresses the Chief with the proper respect: "Hey, sarge, you goin' with us? Aint you that new engineer up there at fifteenth? Aint never seen you before. Hey, Joe! This here dude is the new dude up at fifteenth,.....an engineer! Ha! You goina get a fucking check ride!!! Ha Ha!!" Rex does not appear amused. He slides down the aisle and kicks old Joe in the ass, hard, yells at the driver to proceed, ignores the blank stares of the 5 other idiot ACMs, and takes a seat just forward of the Chief. The Chief does not appear to be amused either.

Rex respectfully addresses the Chief: "Now look here, Goddammit, I just had my annual, and four no-notices this year already, and I'm tired, and my foot hurts, and we been out a long time, and hey would you like to take the basic sortie outta here? My pilots are real nice fellas, I could just stay out of the way and help old Joe here with the pax, sorta..........."

The Chief, dude by the name of Lester A. Ruude, is indeed the 15th AF KC-10 Flight Examiner Flight Engineer. He also does'nt know jack shit about anything having anything to do with KC-10 operations, or even the airplane itself. Six months ago, he was a squadron chief engineer in a regular C-130 squadron, he was involutarily inserted into this world because a Chief was needed, and here the fuck he is now. And one thing he hates worse than boom operators and pilots is dust-brain idiots like Rex, pansies who have been in KC-10s for many years, because they (for the most part) have some idea what they're doing and the Chief doesn't. Gucci boy fags, he thinks.

"Rex, I'll be administering a no-notice to you on this leg. You just do your job, keep your fucking mouth shut, and everything will be okay." He looks over at Joe. "And you, you fucking piece of camel shit, you ever call me sarge again and I'll beat the living shit out of you and send you to loadmaster hell. Any questions?".
Rex looks back at the Chief with new respect. Of course he doesn't know the dude's background, yet, but the guy has a way with boom operators.........Rex may be able to learn something here.

They arrive at the jet quickly. Rex and Joe walk out a few feet to observe the other ACMs. "What a sorry looking lot", says Joe. "Yep", observes Rex, "keep'em outta my way, and don't let'em put any shit in the ice-box, either. I gotta go and do a damn preflight with this ogre here watching me." Joe suddenly shouts at the ACMs, "Allright, dickheads, just stay down here on the ramp until I tell ya to do other wise. Now gather round and listen to the briefing". The ACMs form a small circle around Joe as he begins his ACM briefing:
"Okay, here's the deal. When I tell ya to, take all your shit to the back and put it on the pallet with the crew bags. You will sit where I tell ya to. Keep your sleazy asses out of the cockpit. Keep your clubbed feet off the seats. Do not speak unless spoken to. The flight time is 4.3. If we have a cabin depressurization, you will be fucked. If we have to egress the aircraft on the ground, follow me down the slide. It's a very fast ride and you will probably break both yer legs. Then crawl after me away from the jet. If we have to ditch, you will all die, so don't worry about the life preservers. Coffee is for the crew so don't ask. Keep your stupid, ignorant asses out of the bunks. They are for logging IP time only. The flight engineer and myself are carrying concealed weapons. If you fuck with us, we will kill you. That is all. Now just stay down here on the ramp until I say otherwise. Does anyone have any questions?" One of the ACMs, perhaps not the brightest one in the group, has a question. He raises his hand meekly and squeaks: "Hey, load, when your pilots get here would you ask them if I can ride in the cockpit? You see, I'm a banked pilot, and......." He dribbles the rest of his story, not noticing that Joe is leaking spew from his lips onto the poor officer's shiny boots. Joes isn't really paying attention, anyway, because underneath the aircraft, Rex, The Chief, and one the crew chiefs are arguing and a show is developing that promises to be good.

Rex is asking the crew chief, "What is this shit leaking out of this drain hole?" "Oh, that's just some water, I think, from the morning dew", replies the young mechanic. Rex looks a little skeptical, and blurts, " Well, how about you stick yer toungue up there and taste it, shit-stick!! Here, I'll help ya!" Rex graps the 19 year old congenital liar and jams his face up against the wet skin of the aircraft belly. "Well, dick-weed! What is it? Water? Fuel?" "AAAHHHH!!!!!!!" The crew cheif screams and writhes as the skydrol eats through his lips and nose. Rex appears satisfied, now. The Chief is writing in his geeky Day-Runner purse thing. "I hope he's writing good shit," thinks Rex, "Aw, who gives a fuck, anyway". Rex walks back over to Joe, and says,
"Well, nozzle-brain, this jet is a leaky, creaky, broke-dick piece of shit. We're going to the hotel. 'Sides, I'm hungry again. Get your ass up there and get another two cases of beer off the pallet." Rex reaches down in his helmet bag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of Black Velvet, takes a good belt, and hands the bottle to the Chief. "Another day, another case of beer", says Rex. Lester Ruude empties the bottle down his gullet, while Joe throws the cases of Old Milwaukee and his bags onto the just-arrived crew bus.

After Joe, Rex and The Chief have loaded their bags on the bus, Rex looks back at the pitiful ACMs, standing all together, like lost little sheep, blissful in their ignorance, and asks the Chief, "What should we do about them?", he says, while gesturing in their direction. CMSgt Ruude looks out at the ACMs and says, simply, "Fuck'em".