THE ADVENTURES OF REX THE WONDER ENGINEER:
REX AND THE DOOR
Rex, the Wonder Engineer, is slowly waking up from a deep, satisfying slumber. He pulls
his crusty eyes open; confused, disoriented, he wonders just where the hell he his now,
untill he sees the KC-10 FE panel in front of him, and he realizes something is not right.
While Rex was sleeping, Joe, formerly SAC's finest boom operator, quietly clicked the
cockpit door open, an action that would usually piss Rex off and result in torrents of
abuse from most flight engineers. But Rex was snoozing like a big dog, and Joe pried the
latch loose with his knife, so that there was no interruption of Rex's valuble crew rest.
Rex, now quietly waking up to the world, discovers that he has been dozing with his mouth
wide open, and his grubby hand around his tool. This normally wouldn't be a matter of
concern, however, he has been this way for two hours, in full view of 65 passengers, and
as he becomes fully aware of this fact, rage is boiling up inside him, directed mainly at
that fucking useless scumbag, Joe. "You fucking ASSHOLE BASTARD FUCK!" screams
Rex, "I'll fucking kill your sorry ass, you piece of shit glorified loadmaster
bastard prick!!" Livid, and foaming at the mouth, now fully awake, Rex grabs his
giant calculator, and hurls it back into the cabin; it glances off an infant passenger's
hydrocephalic head, and hits old Joe right between his beady little eyes.
Joe goes down like a shot dog, Rex is already on his way back, presumably to kick the shit
out of Joe, but stops, passes some wind by the galley, and goes back into the cockpit,
closing and locking that fucking door. He sits down and looks suspiciously at the two
pilots, Maj Flarenow and 1LT Goodenuff, who don't indicate in any way that they have even
noticed anything going on behind them, indeed, they never do, anyway; they're talking
about their finances, carreers, flying the T-38, (or the T-1)and struggling to navigate
the airplane and talk on the radios like they always do.
Not that Rex really gives a shit. He has had it with Joe's bullshit. Joe is really pissed
because Rex made MSgt and Joe did not. But that's not the whole story. Joe has a student
with him, a little prick SRA from some former SAC base, who does't know shit and thinks he
does, a arrogant, know-it-all weasel that talks about KC-135 bullshit all the time, a
typical slab-of-sewer-cake shitstain genuine Boom Operator student, and Rex is just
waiting for the oportunity to kick the living shit out of his scrawny ass. Joe has been
working with the student, and Rex is a little jealous because he gets stuck with the
pilots a lot, and this is enough to test anyones sanity, we can suppose.
While Rex is pondering all of this shit, and pumping fuel into the left wing to correct a
12,000 pound imbalance, the cockpit door bangs open and there stands the little dickless
wonder, SRA Whats-his-name, looking ignorantly up into the cockpit. Rex looks back at him
and screams, "What the fuck do you want, ass-wipe?" "Uh, just looking
around, just checking to see if you guys are keeping us safe, huh huh....."says the
sorry little dork.......Rex grabs the student piss-boy by the throat and begins to speak
in a low growl, that is unmistakenly hostile.......
"Listen, you clueless, stupid, ignorant, dickless fart sniffer, lets get something
straight. I want this fucking door closed. And it will remain closed and locked for the
rest of this flight. You keep your pimply ass out of my way, out of everyones way, out of
the cockpit, and out of my sight for the rest of my life, understand? If you open this
door again for no good reason, I will kill you. I am not bullshitting you. You will be
dead, asshole, understand? Go back there and get your dumb-ass instructor up off the floor
and bring me my calculator. Now GO!!"
The student boom stares insolently up at Rex, hesitates, then leaves to comply with his
instructions. He closes the cockpit door, and begins to cry. NEXT: REX GETS A NEW JOB